It's Official

It is flattering to come into a conclusion that someone had found you physically attractive. It is heart-breaking to find out that the person has pulled out the attention for reasons (might or might not be) related to your "mind" and "soul".

Oh, well. I congratulate myself to be able to confirm it in the most subtle way possible.

N*F*P

Oh well, it's been a disappointment to experience a level off of flirtatious move from a certain lanky geeky guy. I know I've lost him.

Today, our conversation touched the subject of birth control...from the point of view of a certain religion.

"I, for the most part, agree with the Catholic Church. It's the birth control I'm having a bit of problem with."

"Yeah? Me too. I haven't really thought about it. I mean, I agree completely with the Natural Family Planning, but when it comes down me, I'd say it won't be as practical."

"Yeah? The object is to prevent something from happening, what's the difference with pills?"

Note: We both know and to some point agree to the reasoning behind NFP, it's just the actual practice and discipline. You just have to be a very devout Catholic to be able to practice it.

"I don't know, it becomes too mechanical to me, and so unnatural."

"It all boils down to taking those temperatures, waiting for the right time, or not the right time, and, of course it's different for different woman."

"Yeah, to me it's almost reaching a point of sex is exclusively for creation, never for recreation. Funny, I never think about it this far. I mean, assuming I met a Catholic guy, assuming he wants to do it this way..."

"Hey, I know Catholic guys or girls that married people of other religions, and they still practice NFP. Some Catholics don't practice it and still want to have fun. To me, 30$ a month is better than 2000$."

"What do you mean?"

"30$ for birth-control a month compared if you have to finance a child every month...ha ha.."

"Well..."

So, this has been direction of conversation with him. I just couldn't act differently, and by different I mean to be flirtatious. It's just not me apparently. We then moved on to the education for our (respective) future off-springs.

"I have always wanted to attend a Catholic school. But it was never meant to be. One of my dreams is to send my kids to Catholic schools. If I couldn't go, then my kids should go."

"I want my sons to attend my high school [that parochial all-boy school in Bell*aire]. Part of the reason I want to stay in Houston and work in Houston is just that. I don't think I want to send my daughter to St. Ag*nes [that parochial all-girl school across the parking lot of his high school]."

"Why?"

He told me the reasons, I don't feel like writing them down here.

Ah, just another heartbreak.

Mixed Review

Say, mo nonton nggak?

Boleh, mo nonton apa?

Michael Clayton, itu loh ceritanya rada-rada epik kayak Lord of The Rings, jadi si George Clooney flashback ke biblical time. Gua suka deh yang model gitu-gitu.

Oh, ok boleh. Tadinya gue mo nonton Elizabeth sih, ok juga yang ini. Ya udah ketemu di sana aja ya, baru dari Rec nih mo mandi-mandi dulu.

And then I went home and took a shower. For no particular reason, even though I was just going out for a movie with a friend, I wanted to put on some attractive outfit and some make up. I was about to go a step further on the beautification, i.e., to straightened my hair, but there wasn't enough time.

Anyway, once I arrived, he already bought me the ticket.

"Rapi amat...gue udah kayak gembel gini, gue pikir lagi pengen nyantai."

"Oh, haha, gak papa kok, gue aja lagi pengen dandan, wiken gitu loh."

There we sat for two hours. We arrived right at the end of the previews.

Halfway through the movie, I had doubt on how the storyline ever would ever transfer back to the biblical time; it was a group of corporate lawyers divided into the classic two categories of bad guys and good guys. I like it anyway. He, on the other hand, seemed not to enjoy the movie.

What kind of reviews he read, I wonder. This is exactly like that one Friends episode where Rachel baked a Thanksgiving pie but mixed up the recipes for a meat pie and one of the fruit pies.

Bu then, it was partly my fault too. I barely had time to beautify myself, let alone to read any of the movie reviews. Sorta a messed up priority, don't you think?

Blah.

Adding to list of things I despised:

Posed wedding pictures
Company presentation
Research
Myself

All the negativity in the world conjured up at this point. Blah.

Rough Patches

OK, so we have this new student in our group right. It's a girl. Today, I saw what I thought was one of those nicotine patches on her arm.

"Are you trying to quit?" I said.
"No, no, I don't smoke. I hate smokers, I hate the particles on you, the smoke, blah...blah..."
And then she added.."This is birth-control."

Yeah, they have birth-control patch nowadays, you know, for convenience. I saw it on TV for sometime.

What I thought was funny is that how negative is her opinion on smoking, on the other hand, free (albeit responsible) sex is something everyone entitled for. There is a live-in maid, I mean, boyfriend in the picture too. Eeewww.... Yeah, I'm that behind in the intimation department.

Health is Overrated

1. Nosebleed today. I should've recognized that uncharacteristic pressure in my head as the perfect indicator everytime.
2. Hair loss. I shrieked at the sight of more than a handfull of fallen hair in my hand.
   
3. Never feeling full. My brain never got that signal to stop munching once I start.
4. General tiredness. It's time to resume Rec'ing, I've neglected it this week and last. And with the amount of eating I've been doing, I feel more like an overgrown whale.
   
5. The Dotty. I've never been this out-of-cycle for years.
   

R stopped by today, asked about some publication matter, and wrote something on my whiteboard.

"Como what?" I said.
"Spanish..."
It turned out he wrote "Hola, Como Estas?" Totally random.

"Seriously, I'm worried about finding jobs. Aren't you? But you don't look worried," I said.

The guy has always kept his cool: the TA job, the research, the conferences, the prelim.

"I am. But I'd been in S*******'s group. I've been trained hard. I can face anything now."

"Good for you."

It's hard to believe how a certain feeling has disappeared without I even realized it.

It Hurts That Much

wah gue baru denger lagu broken heart
mo denger?

sure...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=92wD8dQ_B54&mode=related&search=
liriknya
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/muse/unintended.html

it'll be awhile...indonesian internet

ok
liat lirik dulu haha

ha ha
pretty good song...

does it hurt that much?
can a guy got hurt that much?

i dunno...
:P
plenty of fish in the sea

that's what I thought

i'm kidding....maybe sometimes
but not for too long

sementara kalo cewe bisa nggak kawin sampe seumur hidup
haoahohoa

yup...which is really stupid if you think about it

One Last Time

Before I stopped posting about you...

You were just the cutest when you're bored.

It was a poke on my arm in which you pretended had nothing to do with you.
"What?" I said.
"I didn't do anything." You air-mouthed it harboring the most innocent way possible.
I responded by making a growing nose gesture as in "Grow up, Pinocchio!"

And you asked me oh just another question in the middle of us proctoring the undergrad presentations.
"What did you do this weekend?"
I went amnesiac for a couple seconds.
"Ah, I was sick. But I watch a movie on YouTube," I said after retaining my memory back.
"Nice way to spend a weekend," you snorted.

And then you went on exercising the 5th when I asked if it was your sister featured in the school's career website I happened to stumble upon last night.
"I might or might not have a sister working there. That's privileged information."
"Well, yeah, I was wondering because she has the same name as you and then what a resemblance!"

Really, I just want to eat you or something.

Popcorns and Such

It must be cute to have fights over silly things such as these...[instead, I promised a certain higher authority, I won't be pondering over this kind of stuff and its derivative if I can get a few job opportunities coming my way. I am that desperate.]

"I don't like popcorns."

"Unamerican...I like the buttery smell...uhm...yummy..."

"I hated the smell...yuck...how could somebody have popcorn for lunch?

"I did that..."

"I do love when they are sweet though, what is that thing with the ring inside the box."

"Ah...Crackerjacks.."

"Crackerjacks, yeah..."

"Yeah, I do love caramel popcorn."

.
.
.

"Are you having allergy too?"

"Allergy, what allergy? I was just too tired over the weekend. I got drunk, I went to see the game, I partied. I'm not your average PhD student, I have more undergraduate friends --and kept adding it more-- than graduate friends. My nose looks yellow because..."

"Ah. Yeah, you are. Well...You want a tissue or something?"

"No!" while gesturing his head just so and he kept sneezing, coughing, and had trouble breathing.

After a couple more of those, I took out the extra tissue from my bag...

"Here..."

"No, why?" He said while was generally irritated by my so-called term of affection.

I shook my shoulders and looked back at the presentation in front of us.

A few minutes later, he lightly tapped on my arm and took the tissue I had pulled out for him and used it to swipe his runny nose.

"Why was it so hard to admit that you too can get sick? What a type-A!" I should have told him that, instead, I just smiled nonchalantly.

Always Caught in a Candid Moment

What did I do here?


Sure, the camera adds about 50 lbs, but I like my (subtle) eye makeup.


Candid moment is never the case with NY...

Immobile

"I need to sit down," I said to my friend. I was helping her organizing a display of arts and crafts from all over the world at church.

"You're not feeling well, eh?" She offered to bring me some medicine later.

"It's okay, it's just allergy." We went ahead with the display and finished a quarter to 7.

I went home and felt to sick to drive around. All I want to do is to curl up under a blanket and watch one of my favorite movies of all time. The only video copy I have is not working and YouTube does not have it as a stream. I settled for The Way We Were and felt content watching it under the blanket with my stock of tissues and fluids nearby.

When someone is proven to be too friendly with anyone especially those of the opposite sex, all of this person's charming attitude suddenly goes down the drain. Should've known that before. On the other hand, I might be pulled in into a chance to be in a relationship, with someone I don't really admire. It's too old to be playing this game at this age.

Caught Up

Enough with boys, back at regular blogging...

I am writing two different proceedings in tandem, both using the same topics. It's not easy to make a distinction on what to put in each manuscript. Before I even go further, I still have no idea on how to take the available data and compile them into something coherent.

There is also a question if I need more data. I am having problem with the programming, or should I say, the limitation of what the program can do to communicate with the measurement machine. And if the measurement work, this new set of data is sort of out of place.

The thing is I am having some sort semblance of a sore throat and a leakage in the nasal passage, which when combined with this slight headache, are successfully claiming my ability to concentrate on things. Not that I do a great job in the attention span department before anyway.

On the job front, I applied online to a couple more openings today. Job searching is the first thing I do once I get out of the bed every single day since last week. I still haven't heard from any company so far with a chance for interview.

I have the utmost intention not to screw whatever future interview(s) opportunity(ies) entails. I make that a pact with myself. You are your own worst enemy.

Now, happy weekend.

I*n*t*e*l, This Is For You

90 miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving
I don't know why
So many questions
I need an answer
Two years later
You're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of The Titanic cry?

Someday we'll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know
Why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place where I met you
For the 97th time tonight

(Chorus)

Someday we'll know
Why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me?

(Chorus)

Someday we'll know
Why Sampson loved Delilah
One day I'll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know
That I was the one for you


--New Radicals, Someday We'll Know, 1998

Boys Again

Let's just say I initiated a conversation with a boy in the elevator last week, no udang di balik bakwan, just straight up conversation. We graduated Bachelor's together and his name was a spot before me on the graduation ceremony. We never spoke during those undergrad days, but on that ceremony, he asked if his wore his cap all right, not tilted or anything. I straightened the cap slightly and off he went to the stage for his diploma.

On that elevator conversation, I found out he came back for grad school last year and will start his PhD soon after defending the M.S. thesis.

"Well, if you ever want to visit the 7th floor, I'm up there all the time, I'll give you a window tour. My office is 7XX."

"Cool. Mine is 5XX."

Today around 12 PM he came up here. At first I thought he had wanted to see our infamous yellow-lighted labs, so I showed him around a bit, but in the end he asked me out to lunch. Really, it was okay. There were awkward moments and dead air, nothing beyond expectation. On the other hand, it made me miss a certain lanky geeky boy even more.

You know what, "boy hunting" is indeed parallel to job searching. You might find a lot of opportunities, but nothing comes up with a promising offer.

Uncle

"H******, H*******", he whispered my name in a made up singing tone, "are you Catholic?"

"Cathodic?" I asked, trying to relieve myself from being called to have the characteristic of a positive current electrode.

"Catholic..."

"I am! Are you?"

"Yes..."

A big smile emerged on my face. "Do you go to Mass?"

He attends Mass regularly, the early bird one on Sunday. I was just smitten by these resurfacing facts. But then there is more to it coming.

He plays both organ and piano. "I play organ too, but I suck at piano," I said.

He described his preference in music for worship. "I don't really like St. Mary's since they become too charismatic. I hate acoustic guitar for church music. "

"Yeah! I like when they have violin...."

"..yeah and with piano..." he added.

"Yeah..are you OK with Gregorian chants?"

"Yeah, I love it, that's what I played on the CD over and over when I wrote my thesis."

I found out that he hates the holding hands on Our Father for hygienic issue. He probably shares my phobia of drinking from the same glass.

And then we moved on to the fundamental issues. He told me his stand and reasoning on abortion, capital punishment, poverty, and war. And I was further smitten by him.

He's just too good to be true. If only I can say, "where have you been all my life?"

Uncle.

Drama Queenery

In the middle of the crazy things that are life, boys are welcomed distractions:

• Was asked about my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, was told about his plan to take over my job next semester, listened to his involvement in a student-lead activity to relive a certain school flaming tradition, and discussed our favorite books! Good thing was that there was no red face evolved on my part.
  
• Helped another boy on an urgent analyzing stuff to be included on his dissertation, and as a token of his gratitude was taken to a late dinner and lots of gossiping.
  
• Exchanging social networking messages with a boy who told me he saw me late night on a weekend two weeks ago. And I didn't even think he saw me then. No, the exchange didn't lead anywhere except that I asked him to keep his eyes open for job opportunities for me with the company he's going to work for next year. That's still something, right? Ha ha.

Talking

I spent a considerable amount of time today hanging out by the pool (not actually in the pool and not actually donning swimsuit) with the cooler and nicer people.

Topics covered:

• So and so
• Another so and so and so and so
• Some other so and so
• A case study on a certain night life activity
• Cross-continent travel
• Raising family
• Wildlife, plant life
• Cannabis cultivation
• The difference between the wave, current, beach condition on the Atlantic and Pacific oceans
• A group of native people who refused to be controlled by a certain government, who in the same time is successfully maintaining that kind of autonomy
• The existence of car washing system bar none (involving female associates in minimum to nothing covering and soaps, lots of soaps)

Sometimes, simple meaningful conversations are just the things you need to recharge.

Support system

You know what, I could never be more grateful for my support system.

One of them, my sweet Ikanda, sent this especially sweet e-mail...Thank you, dear. She's (and Ade too) always been there in toughest times of my life.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EXHabCTCB0g

"I HAVE CONFIDENCE" from The Sound of Music..

What will this day be like? I wonder.
What will my future be? I wonder.
It could be so exciting to be out in the world, to be free
My heart should be wildly rejoicing
Oh, what's the matter with me?

I've always longed for adventure
To do the things I've never dared
And here I'm facing adventure
Then why am I so scared

[..A captain with seven children
What's so fearsome about that?..]

Oh, I must stop these doubts, all these worries
If I don't I just know I'll turn back
I must dream of the things I am seeking
I am seeking the courage I lack

The courage to serve them with reliance
Face my mistakes without defiance
Show them I'm worthy
And while I show them
I'll show me

So, let them bring on all their problems
I'll do better than my best
I have confidence they'll put me to the test
But I'll make them see I have confidence in me

Somehow I will impress them
I will be firm but kind
And all those children (Heaven bless them!)
They will look up to me

And mind me with each step I am more certain
Everything will turn out fine
I have confidence the world can all be mine
They'll have to agree I have confidence in me

I have confidence in sunshine
I have confidence in rain
I have confidence that spring will come again
Besides which you see I have confidence in me

Strength doesn't lie in numbers
Strength doesn't lie in wealth
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers
When you wake up -- Wake Up!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

love,
ika

A former colleague gave me tips on job seeking, called me twice in the span of 12 hours, and ensured me about the many other job opportunities out there. He even sent me his resume and asked to keep it confidential due to his current job arrangement.

T listened to all my rambles about losing my confidence.

I stole Bu Didi's thunder from what supposed to be the limelight that is her birthday by confiding in her.

D in the middle of his dissertation preparation fiasco spared sometime to call me.

G calmed me down. "It was not meant for you," she said after I told her the details.

And of course there is NY.

I just have to be a stronger person. At least I have the experience on undergoing a though mentally-draining-long-hours interview. This has to be going somewhere.

H. Depressus

What will you do on a Saturday morning/afternoon when you just got a rejection from a dream job at a dream company the night before?

By this time, you had immediately pulling yourself up and applied online to as many as opportunities as you can get hold of with other big and famous companies a bit beyond your comfort level.

And to top it off, the one guy that you innocently lead to believe is the "love of your life" might have just become unavailable.

Getting drunk with exactly 37.5 cl of raspberry wine? That's not even enough to make you tipsy.

Meditation, self-introspections, prayers, and moving on. So help me, God.

Happy Weekend

Eh lupa belum mengucapkan selamat akhir pekan

TG it's F'in Friday!
:P

:D

time for some R & R in D-Town
Denpasar lol

hahahhahahahhaha
it's always R & D in CS-Town
research and development LOL

ha ha

my kinda song
http://youtube.com/watch?v=vGmtZ3Td5bQ

serem amat

not fitting the profile, eh
me and these kinda songs?

no not really