Thursday, November 23, 2006

I don't know where I'm going with this

I will look at this in the future and laugh at the pebblemindedness of a girl in her late twenties. A late twenties waiting for her cold medication to kick in the night before Thanksgiving. Oh, what the heck.

What is it that makes one fell a certain romantic feeling towards someone? Is it nature, as in that chemistry, that click are there perchance, or is it something that you nurture from nil? My suspision is that like most of things in the universe, it is not as black and white.

For instance, you get a chance to spend time alone with someone that you insisted on not having such a predisposed feeling toward. You didn't deny that you think about the possibility. All those time and you get to know this person really well. So you started building a list balancing the pros and cons of his personality and what not. Yes, I like his honesty and his confidence. He's pretty rough in some areas, but sure, it can be molded. People can change. The thing is when you arrive at the "negative" things you observe about this person, you started to throw him into a double standard. Your claimed sincere amore would never act like this or that in that kind of situation, etc. In the end, your non-feeling toward this person doesn't change. You are not saying it is a waste of resources and time. It helps you to be your own self, as you are actually getting more comfortable with him in a very platonic kinda of way. See, it opens your eyes to the world.

And then there is the one you put on pedestal. You don't actually get to know this person all that well or as much as the person you described above. But from all you've seen so far you can't help all but to keep this predisposed feeling that makes everything he does seems to naturally fit you and your preferences. Well, most things but one fundamental stuff. You don't form harsh judgment on the otherwise will clearly be thrown into the unacceptable flaws bin, instead you accept and learn to deal with them. Really, it goes back to that predisposition thing. The funny thing is, you don't really act yourself when you are near this person. At times, you convince yourself harder and harder that it is not all worth the commotion. Can't you just let it go already? If you have more chance to get this person better, will it wash off the feeling you have on him?

I don't know where I am going with this.


It's all coming to this epiphany. You never expect anything out of him, because if he does he will be totally out of his character. And, that's not the person you fall for. In return, you keep admiring him for that. Ah, what a circular reference.


nadia said...

heh???? knp? siapakah dia?

Xinda said...'s the cold talking. ;)

Anonymous said...

your life is not a term paper.
but yes, i understand it perfectly.


Xinda said...

I know you would, dear. =)

Hey, how's Turkey day? and the rest of the weekend?